monkey nonsense

i can’t sleep. i “went to bed” at 11:00… i’m still lying awake on my bed

i’m already stressed about having to go to work tomorrow… every day, my biggest stress after leaving work is going back to work the next day

i can almost guarantee that i won’t get into the office before… 10? 11? even tho i may be up by 8 or 9

don’t tell me to look for a new job, i already know i have to. the problem i have is that i’m unable to job search. every time i job search, i freak out realizing that that (whatever is in the job listing) isn’t what i want to do! i have two degrees that have supposedly prepared me to work with computers and i’ve come to realize i hate computers (except for the occasional game or to read interesting articles on the internet). TWO degrees. i know that yes, a lot of people don’t end up working in what they study, but there was a reason i studied what i studied. despite being mediocre AT BEST in computer science, that was my best option. i can’t do anything else. i suck at everything else. i have no interest in everything else. CS was what i was most passionate in… isn’t that just sad? the thing i despise and knew i hated, as early as 2001, is the only thing i’m remotely passionate about. i can’t bring myself to apply for another job in this field. but then, what other field can i and will i want to apply for?!

i freak out because i don’t want to end up at another shitty company doing shitty work. this was the company i chose. this was my “dream” job… and look how badly that turned out. how does one not feel burned by this experience?! i idiotically CHOSE THIS job! i WANTED this job! WHAT WAS I THINKING!??!?! will i make the same mistake again?!

i freak out because i dread the job search process. i hate having to talk about goals, where i see myself in two years, my strengths, my weaknesses… what a load of crap i must sound like in interviews. i hated it the first time around. i hoped to just luck out and love my job and never have to job search for another 20 years until they forced me into early retirement or some crap like that. i know that was unrealistic to expect out of a first job… but you know me! i easily settle! it doesn’t take much to make me happy! simple minds, simple pleasures…. just throw me a bone occasionally!! apparently, that was too much to ask.

here’s to another day at work…. let’s see if i can make it to 5 before i freak and rush out yelling/crying

This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 11th, 2006 at 2:19 am and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.