monkey nonsense

i’m starting to feel my age. i don’t stay up as late as i used to. i talk real estate… something i would laugh at when i first came out of college and saw all these people 3-5 years older than me discussing.

yet despite being older and supposedly more “mature,” i also think it’s important to have fun and be a kid. i think it was the ragamuffin gospel book that psycho gave me that i am still struggling to finish (seriously… i thought it would be more about muffins… or something related to muffins ’cause i mean… even when a word doesn’t mean the same thing as a similar word, they usually are related in some way! anyways…) that mentioned how kids end up appreciating things more because of their child-like wonder. adults think they can explain everything they see while kids will just be like wow. i think being able to see and accept things like a child is not a sign of immaturity… in fact, i’m jealous of kids and wish i were able to experience things like they do.

i enjoy stuffed animals. i don’t consider this childish. my mom enjoys stuffed animals. right now, at our house, there is a 3′ tall olive oyl (popeye’s gf) lying in the living room. THE LIVING ROOM… for all guest to see. all my mom’s friends enjoy playing with olive oyl and making her pose, etc. in the family room, there’s this little sheep that just sits on the sofa, watching tv with my parents. my mom’s basically replaced my sister (born in the year of the sheep) with this stuffed animal…. one time, she was talking to me on the phone and telling me how “jie was studying earlier today and then she got tired and fell asleep”… typical behavior from my sister… i didn’t think anything of it. “then she fell off the sofa and landed butt in the air.” hrm.. i started to get suspicious… my sister has been known to fall asleep and end up with her butt sticking up in the air… but she hasn’t done that since she was a baby. that’s when i realized the “jie” my mom was talking about was the sheep!! i don’t think any less of my mom’s maturity because she plays with stuffed animals (AND talks to them)… i think it shows her creative side.

i got sad today because i felt like my maturity was being questioned. this is nothing new for me. i feel like i get treated like a kid by a lot of people… and that’s ok. because i know i’m an adult and i’ll do what i want to do. (hrm… which often times, further perpetuates the notion that i’m immature… since i’ll purposefully do something i’m “not supposed to” just to piss people off) today i was sad because a close friend was the one who was questioning my maturity. i think it all stemmed from a misunderstanding, but regardless of the actual argument, it seems clear that i overestimated my friend’s understanding of me. there aren’t many people i feel confident in saying know me very well and there aren’t many people whose opinion of me i really care about. this person was one person i felt confident in and whose opinion of me i cared about. i guess that’s what made me sad the most. that after all that effort, i’m still just some immature kid in their eyes.

people make fun of me because i like george. well, i’m not obsessed with him, but i do think he’s cute. and sad as it sounds, i do value our “friendship.” a lot of people might say george hasn’t disappointed you yet because he can’t disappoint… he’s not real; he won’t talk; he won’t share with you his highs and lows… that’s true. i’m well aware of these facts… and that’s when i will talk to regular ole people. i know that george is no replacement to talking to real people. but in terms of sharing experiences… other friends will share their experiences with me. i’ll try to be there and be supportive for them. but i’ll just share my experiences with george. george will smile when i share a high and i’ll know that he’s really happy for me. and george will smile when i share a low and i’ll know that he’s trying to cheer me up. there won’t be any judgemental nature to him; i won’t need to worry that he’ll tell someone else my secret. this is less than ideal. i feel like a lot of my friendships are one-way… whether it’s because i end up listening to a lot of my friends’ issues and trying to help without really sharing anything going on in my life with them… or whether it’s because they consider me too immature and don’t really ask me for any advice. but…

i’ve been “burned” by supposedly close friends multiple times in my life. and the only “person” who’s never disappointed me, save the time i lost him, is george. maybe this makes me immature… but a stuffed animal seems to be a pretty good companion.